Torquay – An Entertainment in Several Acts
At last March arrived and we were on tenterhooks after three months of practising ‘Entertainments’ (if ever there was a misnomer this was it). In addition we had weathered some turbulence and called in many favours to ensure that we had a full band on the day. Thanks to all band members who showed initiative, creativity and, with some, no small amount of grovelling to make us up to the full complement or as much as we can ever be! Coupled with this, Pete was off wearing a hat with corks drinking Fosters and starring in Neighbours – (any other cliché’s gratefully received). Marcus had also left a gaping void in the horn section for the second contest in a row – come on, sitting next to Danny/Joe is not that bad. Enter stage left the reinforcements:
Simon Richards on Eb bass. This man has lots to recommend him not least that he works for yours truly and as such is obviously a man of great taste, wit and charm. He also has lovely hair!
Julian on Bb bass – a genial giant man with a huge warm sound. I’m sure that he’s missing us already. Unbelievably good and laughed at all our jokes as well.
Roger on second trombone – Roger is a right one with a twinkle in his eye and even though he got tired and emotional at Torquay and asked me when I was going to start playing in the band!! (2nd Horn is a much maligned position in my opinion) he has become an integral part of the band in his short Downton career. His wife should also be complimented for her general cheeriness and impressive knitting.
Stan on solo trombone. Stan overcame a whole plethora of medical difficulties that would make him a good read in the Lancet to get onto the stage and play. He had a great sound and even though he found breathing hard at times he worked really hard to put in a good performance. Thank you Stan.
Joe on solo horn – a special favourite of the ladies and the horn section for a variety of reasons. He became particularly obsessed with his green band jacket and lovely tie and spent most of the day wearing them. Rumour has it he may have slept in it as well but this is really too weird and tragic to consider. Still it’s nice to see a dep wearing the Downton strip with pride.
Flic and Jane on percussion – something for the lads at last I hear you cry. I’m sure the sight of these two in their percussion waistcoats was enough to send the majority of the men into brass band reverie.
Anyway onto the weekend itself.
We made our way down in a variety of ways and times and met up at a Chinese restaurant booked by the incomparable Danny for a band meal. Unfortunately Roland couldn’t make it as he was still practising/rehearsing/drinking but his good lady wife and entourage arrived fashionably late but cheery. The meal was excellent but the fortune cookies were not exactly accurate (more later…). Charlotte and myself both managed to fall up the steps into the restaurant before the alcohol started flowing – that’s our story anyway.
This evening was pleasant but muted as we all steeled ourselves for the task in hand the following day.
Saturday dawned and for once we had a civilised practice time and breakfast. We picked our way past the Fitness League, who all looked like they had been fit once, apart from one lady who was still desperately clinging on to her youth with dyed hair, eyebrows and co-ordinated lycra. Jane Fonda really needs to get her roots done!
After the breakfast buffet had been successfully conquered, it was off to practise. The room was small and tropical but we made good use of it and even sounded rather impressive or so we thought. The slippery slope was ours for the taking. Eventually we found out that we had been drawn 13th and thought we had loads of time until Malcolm Faulkner (deputy chief groupie after Charlotte) informed us that band number 10 were already on. We made a mad dash across the car park apart from certain of our number, who were forced to hail a taxi, and arrived backstage to be greeted with the usual officialdom/small-minded inflexibility that we all know and love from band contests.
There then followed a long discussion about how to get Stan to the stage and leave him with enough breath to start and finish the piece. Eventually Pete Tanner set off on a small expedition via a lift and some corridors to ensure Stan made it in one piece. The silver fox was looking dapper (he hates it when I say that ) and quite confident as we lined up outside. Our entrance to the stage was choreographed as ever by the Random Move School of Dance and we borrowed the 1st horn player of the band in front as Marcus was ill. She had a brief chat with the horn section and a small chin wag with Roland and then she was performing as part of the Downton Massive. Some girls get all the luck.
The first movement started shakily and we took some time to settle into our stride. However there were aspects of fine playing throughout the piece – solo euphonium (for reasons of marital harmony I will disagree with the adjudicators), Matt on solo cornet in the elegy, Joe as a trombone, Pete at the end of the first movement, the list could go on. We left the stage feeling that we had given a creditable performance and headed for the bar. At last we were in our natural surroundings. Unusually we did not have to wait long for the results and as the top 6 were announced I found myself getting frantic with anticipation. Oh mad fool that I am. At last we realised that we had in fact come in 12th place and had some remarks that were capable of freezing our beer at 50 paces. ‘You can take the man out of the blazer but you can’t take the blazer out of the man’ as the banding saying goes. In these days of positive self-affirming actions and words these two adjudicators were the Stadtler and Waldorf of the day. In fact, bands placed much higher than us had no positive comments to write home about. We retired to the bar to lick our wounds.
After an afternoon watching the rugby and generally moaning about what a travesty it had all been, we retired to the hotel for a band meal where we were treated to a couple of speeches. Firstly Matt stood up in memory of Pete Jung (who was probably throwing another shrimp on the barbie or whatever at the time). He gave us a rousing few words that made us proud to be Downtonian bandspersons. Then Bill stood up, no I said STOOD UP. Oh we never tire of those sort of jokes do we everybody?? Just me then! He assumed his comedy mantle once more and had our sides splitting and our heads falling off with mirth. (That’ll be £10 later Bill).
Most of the band then repaired back to Albert’s for an evening of dance, drink and drama ( Ok I’m trying to make it all sound much more exciting). Suffice it to say that we will soon have to co-opt Jack Daniel’s into the band as he is so popular with many members. The first part of the evening ended with dancing and cavorting by many members of the band – particularly impressive was Joe and his Hoffmeister bear/Suggs style of dance. All ages and all styles tripped the light fantastic – too many to mention but all them valid in their own interesting way.
And so onto the next bar we cried triumphantly at about 11.20. Not so said the complex where the bars all seemed to be either private functions or closed. Thank goodness for the Carlton, which had a small bar open, so we revisited our erstwhile hotel in the company of a bemused family party, who had got the bar open and then inherited us as a bonus prize.
The evening ended in a good humoured fug, and so to bed in the very wee small hours.
Highlights of the weekend
Joe and Matt becoming just a tiny bit obsessed by their uniform
A certain registration photo - we know who it is don’t we
The Friday and Saturday night meals
Charlie sitting in the wrong auditorium and missing our performance completely (she must have known)
Realising that we never have to play Entertainments again (until they dust it off for Wessex she said cynically)
Meeting all our marvellous deps – heartfelt thanks from the whole band to you all.
Danny and his amazing organisational skills. Thank you Mr. Silver. Nobody does it like you!
Next exciting instalment - ‘The Cuckoo Fair’ coming soon to a computer near you.